Watch it

Winter Olympics Opening Ceremonies (7:30 p.m., NBC). You know it’ll be boring, you know there’ll be bizarre dance routines and since you’re not Canadian, you won’t recognize the guy who lights the flame. But who are we kidding, you’ll watch anyway for the sheer spectacle. Maybe you can liven things up by critiquing, Tim Gunn-style,  each county’s Olympic uniform as they parade in. There’ll also be some ski jumping mixed in somewhere.

What else?

The networks know everyone will be watching the Olympics, so there’s pretty much nothing else on tonight. About the only fresh programming:

“John Oliver’s New York Standup Show” (11 p.m., Comedy Central). Comedians Chris Hardwick, Mary Lynn Rajskub, Greg Fitzsimmons and Paul F. Tomkins perform. Sounds like a flashback of last year’s SF Sketchfest. (That’s a good thing.)

“Spartacus: Blood & Sand” (10 p.m., Starz). Tonight, some people will want to watch nations come together under one roof for the glory of competition. Others will want to watch limbs get hacked off and ogle soft-core porn. This show is for the latter group.