Hotties to the rescue. (NBC photo)

So I finally got around to watching Monday night’s debut of “Trauma” on NBC (ooooh, get it? They’re trauma workers, and they’re traumatized!). And I might not get many more chances to see it, since its ratings were awful. But I was curious to see what the paramedic drama did with my hometown (it’s the first series shot in San Francisco since “Nash Bridges). The verdict? It’s awesome . . . . as long as you watch in HD and hit “mute.”

The cinematography is beautiful, with fantastically scenic shots of the city. The explosions are exquisite, and very pretty fireballs always make up for lousy CGI crashes (I’m convinced Michael Bay was somehow involved). And the cast is easy on the eyes. All in all, it looks great. But then you hear them talking and . . . . yikes.

Real-life paramedics are already howling in outrage and disgust over the cartoonish and unprofessional portrayals of their kind. And while I have no clue about how badly it distorts paramedics’ jobs (I’m guessing: A lot), there were a few other things that bugged me. And I’m not even talking about the ridiculously overdramatic slow-mo shots and soapy melodrama. Here’s what I’m talking about:

— Sex in the back of an ambulance, in broad daylight on a busy street? Yeah, that’s professional. And sanitary.

— An ambulance crew argues over whether to take Market or Polk to get to the hospital faster. Ummm, Market goes east-west, Polk goes north-south. Pick a direction. And Polk’s slow anyway, take Van Ness.

— That guy from “Friday Night Lights” who plays the paramedic (I have no idea of their names, I don’t even think the mentioned names for half the cast) has the worst sideburns – more like side-patches – I’ve ever seen on TV. Just hideous.

— I don’t think I’ve ever seen more than one helicopter at a time flying around downtown San Francisco. And certainly not low enough to buzz skyscrapers. Aren’t post-9/11 flight restrictions still in effect? There’s no way a helicopter would come around the corner of a building and crash into another helicopter. This isn’t L.A. Or even Phoenix.

— Anastasia Griffith was about as annoying as she was in her role as the whiney almost-sister-in-law in “Damages.” Whine, whine, whine. And have you ever seen a working paramedic with such perfectly applied makeup, long flowing hair and cleavage? (If so, please let me know where.)

— Speaking of whiney, this was the most mopey bunch of emergency workers ever assembled. We get it, it’s a tough job. It affects you. But anyone who knows a cop, or a firefighter, or a paramedic, or a nurse or doctor knows that they’re pretty good about compartmentalizing things, and not taking time out to pout during an emergency. That’s what the bars are for after work.

— The big tanker crash was on I-280, South of Market. So why did they keep saying they were on the Bay Bridge? There were overhead shots that made it quite clear there was no bridge anywhere nearby. That’s a whole different freeway, guys.

— Speaking of location, I loved how the helicopter taking off from the crash scene said it’d be at the hospital in “one minute” (about right, since SF General is about a mile away), then proceeded to fly north, loop around Coit Tower, head out over the Bay, and cruise to the hospital’s roof about 10 minutes later.

— I was super bugged by that one paramedic (Derek Luke) getting the hot chick with the broken arm on the medevac helicopter (she was Jennifer Siebel – Mrs. Gavin Newsom – by the way). No. 1, you’re wasting a precious medical resource on someone who doesn’t need it, thus putting someone else’s life at risk. No. 2, that’s a complete waste of taxpayer money. No. 3, that’s a complete waste of medical insurance costs. Don’t be taking money out of my pockets!

— By the way, SF General doesn’t have a helipad, and it’s been a controversial issue for years.  I don’t know if any hospital in the city has one. The noise hurts property values, you know. Besides, San Francisco is a small enough city that you really don’t need helicopters very often.

— Wooooo, after-party at a parking lot in the Presidio! OK, but. . . . with your ambulances? That was ridiculous, and would have probably gotten them all fired. Gotta separate work and play.

— And how did “I-play-by-my-own-rules” helicopter jock Rabbit leave the Presidio and suddenly be on westbound Geary, down in the Tenderloin, on the complete opposite end of town? That really was “Bullitt”-esque.

— How do all these paramedics afford to live in San Francisco? In pretty nice places, too. In reality, they’d live in either San Mateo or Novato. Or maybe a house out in the Sunset.

— That last scene, with Derek Luke taking the F-Market streetcar home? Bzzzzzzz, wrong! If he was a local, he’d be on the Muni Metro, underground. It’s waaaay faster. The F is for tourists.

It’s too bad. The show is basically an update of the ’70s classic “Emergency!” which I loved as a kid. But this is a little too grown-up for kids, and a lot too stupid for grown-ups. I sure hope the City of San Francisco isn’t counting on this show for tax revenue, because I don’t think it’ll be around long.