I’m not gonna do it. I’m really not. I am so done with “The Hills,” and not even the return of evil Kristin Cavallari can make me watch. (BTW, how sad and awful is your life when starring on “The Hills” is your most viable career choice?)

I was never a regular viewer, but I caught enough episodes here and there to know waaay too much about the lives of Lauren, Audrina and Co. than any not-entirely-creepy, 38-year-old guy should. I knew the show was bad – off-the-charts, apocalyptically terrible, even – but I didn’t care. It was part guilty pleasure, part voyeuristic how-bad-can-it-get gawk fest. Or a horrible car crash with cars made out of heroin – you don’t want to look, but you just can’t help it, and once you do, you’re hooked.

But over the summer I went cold turkey. And so far, it’s working.

The last straw for me was the pop-culture explosion of self-promoting, talentless fame-whores Speidi (like Christo and Jeanne-Claude or The Borg, Spencer and Heidi have now merged into one, only slightly more annoying) around June. I just couldn’t live with myself knowing that my “Hills” addiction had helped make Speidi a media phenomenon. My addiction was not victimless after all; suddenly I thought of all the innocent brains that rotted after being exposed to the Speidi monster for the first time. And I had to do my part to stop it. And shockingly, I wasn’t alone.

For the past few months, I’ve gone out of my way to avoid anything Speidi-related. I won’t click on links, I skip to the next page in a magazine, I flip the channel if they come on. It’s a Speidi-free world. And it’s awesome. The sky is bluer, the sun is brighter, and the birds sing louder without that flesh-colored beard masking everything.

Tonight the Speidi phenomenon returns with the season premiere of “The Hills.” And this time, I won’t be watching. And if you want to live in a glorious, Speidi-free world, I urge you to do the same. Do it for the children. Break the habit. Just say no. Fight the power. It takes a village. Only you can prevent forest fires. (Oh wait, ignore that last one. Well, don’t ignore it, it’s important, but not as relevant in this context.)

I’m also announcing that, from this moment on, the Speidi embargo is back in effect. From here on out, consider this a Speidi-free zone. It really is a more wonderful world that way.