Baseball’s All-Star Game is tonight (5 p.m., Fox), and despite its flaws (like why does everyone need to play an inning?), it usually makes for pretty good TV. The same can’t be said for the Home Run Derby, a bloated, mostly yawn-inducing three-hour affair that aired last night.
The concept should be a can’t-miss: The best sluggers in the game tee off in a modified batting practice and pepper the bleachers with home runs. Fans love to watch home runs. Players love to hit them. Announcers love to call them. So how has is become so unwatchable? Here are five bright ideas to make the Home Run Derby must-see TV again.
1. Hit more home runs. This is pretty basic. While Nelson Cruz and Prince Fielder wowed the crowd with some impressive moon shots last night, hardly anyone else did. Two of the greatest sluggers in the game, Albert Pujols and Ryan Howard, put on mediocre displays (come on guys, double-digits or bust), and the bottom two hitters were just pathetic. (What was Brandon Inge doing there anyway? Would anyone honestly pay money to watch him hit?) Get some better hitters who are fun to watch. Ichiro, Pablo Sandoval, even Manny Ramirez . . . . let ’em put on a show. And give ’em aluminum bats. The purists would cringe over the “pings,” but could you imagine big ol’ Prince Fielder taking his hacks with an aluminum bat, raining 600-foot bombs? I would so watch that. Forget any notion of baseball tradition — the derby is a made-up, made-for-TV event. It’s pure spectacle. Embrace that. And if you really want to make it interesting, stick a few slick-fielding outfielders out there ready to rob homers that just clear the fence. Counterproductive? Sure, but we want to see the 475-foot shots, not the 375-foot ones. Oh, and speaking of spectacle, have those flame-throwing cannons that backed up David Cook during the pre-derby ceremony involved in the action somehow. Those were awesome.
2. Muzzle Chris Berman. Granted, it’s not easy doing play-by-play when every call is either a home run or an out, but how many times to we have to hear “Backbackbackbackback. . . gone!”? And Joe Morgan sucks the fun out of every game he touches. Get rid of him too. Find announcers who could revel in the spectacle and who won’t make your throw things at your TV. Mike Krukow comes to mind. Bob Costas maybe (though he’s getting a bit fuddy-duddy as he gets older). Tony Gwynn, Rick Sutcliffe after a few beers, Sean Casey, Mitch Williams . . . . think of the second-tier announcers/studio guys who actually have personalities. Erin Andrews can stay though. (Did you notice the bruise under her chin? She got hit by a foul ball last week. She’s a gamer.)
3. No stupid CGI gizmos. That inane tracer showing the balls’ arc was annoying and completely unnecessary. This isn’t a hockey puck we’re talking about — there’s one ball in play, and it’s white against a dark background. It’s not hard to see onscreen. Besides, the light trail ESPN used Monday was often inaccurate and distracted the eye on more than one occasion from where the ball actually landed.
4. Edit it. Good lord, do we really need three hours of that? Have the derby in the afternoon, edit together the highlights and show it for an hour during prime time. All people want to see are the homers. Get rid of everything else. The popups, the foul line drives, the cute kids. Dump it all, no one cares. I know, I know, sports events are always better shown when they’re shown live. Except in this case. Tape it.
5. More steroids. Ehhhh, never mind, they already tried that.
