“I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here”: Are you really a celebrity if no one’s ever heard of you?

That’s the question I was asking last night as I watched the two-hour premiere of “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here,” which was every bit as bad as it sounds. Spencer and Heidi from “The Hills” provided, well, pretty much everything — the (probably staged) drama, the unintentional comedy and the self-absorbed whining that you’d expect (they tried to quit twice in the first day). In fact, without those two, there wouldn’t even have been enough material to make up a show. I’m torn about Speidi — I want them off my TV as soon as possible. Yet I really want them to suffer for as long as possible in the jungle, getting eaten by insects and being generally miserable. Hmmm, can a safe middle ground be found?

So what did we learn from last night? Lou Diamond Phillips is a nice guy who really needs a better agent. Stephen Baldwin, who’s now better known for his reality-show appearances than movies, learned all his slang from a teenager in the ’90s (“Yo, that’s whacked!’). What’s-her-name Blagjovich (God, I have no idea how to spell that name and it really doesn’t feel worth it to look up) somehow believes she’s a celebrity because her husband’s a crooked politician. And that her husband’s innocent! Ha! But what really cracked me up was Spencer telling her that he would have voted for Blago for president. Um, when Spencer Pratt is on your side, you know you’re screwed. That part was almost as funny as Spencer going ballistic because someone stole Heidi’s hair product and removed the handmade label. And then there was a really awkward moment when someone was describing a “big black monkey” to John Salley that seemed vaguely racist.

You know what? There were too many awful moments that were just too stupid to words, and I’m afraid if I try to remember any more I might not be able to purge that show from my brain fast enough. Television Without Pity has a fine recap, so check that out. The show already wasted two hours of my life, I won’t let it waste a second more. It’s saying a lot to call it the worst show of the summer but so far, it has the crown.

“The Tonight Show”: Thank goodness Conan O’Brien was there to save the night. His first “Tonight Show” was comfortably funny. Nothing too crazy — don’t want to scare off the old folks quite yet — but it was a fairly seamless transition moving his “Late Night” act west. Maybe a little montage-heavy, but as long as they were funny, I don’t mind. (And they were.) I loved the opening segment of Conan running across the country (he has pretty good form for a tall, spindly guy) and the Universal Studios tour was an instant classic (Conan to Norman Bates: “It’s too warm for corduroy! And commit your crimes at night!”). I was kinda disappointed Will Ferrell didn’t do his leprechaun striptease, but he had some good lines (“No one believe you could do this Conan. Really, no one.”) and Pearl Jam put on a good performance. All in all, a highly satisfying debut.

In other news, it’s looking like that Eminem-Bruno incident at Sunday’s MTV Movie Awards was totally staged. Too bad, I should’ve known better. Ehh, whatever, it was still funny.

Don’t forget to tune into “Man vs. Wild” tonight (10 p.m., Discovery) to see Will Ferrell eat an eyeball. Hopefully not his own.