“No Reservations” (6 p.m., repeated at 9, Travel). Season premiere. Tony Bourdain is back for another season of tasty food in exotic locales. Tonight he’s in the culinary capitol of . . . . um, never mind, he’s in Haiti. And brace yourself, he hangs out with Sean Penn.
“How I Met Your Mother” (8 p.m., CBS). Barney thinks something’s wrong with him when he realizes he’s actually falling for Nora, and Robin dates a guy who acts like a dog.
“The Chicago Code” (9 p.m., Fox). Gibbons reflects on how he lost his youthful idealism after he thwarts a teenager trying to rob him. Meanwhile, Jarek and Caleb are running around town trying to catch a serial bomber.
“Chuck” (8 p.m., NBC). Chuck and Sarah’s wedding plans kick into gear, and they also rob a bank. But it’s an evil bank. Speaking of evil, Vivian takes the first steps toward following in her father’s footsteps.
“Gossip Girl” (9 p.m., The CW). Ben’s mom complicates things (gee, you mean she doesn’t approve of her son hooking up with the girl who got him locked up for statutory rape?), Serena and Erics dad, creepy Dr. Van der Woodsen (Billy Baldwin), is back in town and Raina opposes her dad’s plan to break up Bass Industries. And everything will come to a head at a grand party at the end that somehow everyone’s attending.
“Diners, Drive-ins and Dives” (9 p.m., Food Network). Guy heads to Aunt Mary’s Cafe in Oakland for an English breakfast with a Southern twist.
“The Bachelor” (8 p.m., ABC). Brad and the final three visit South Africa, have dates and the ladies meet his family. Something tells me Ashley is going home. (And she and Emily are apparently the strong contenders to be the next “Bachelorette.”) God, it’s sad that I know all that. The cast of the upcoming “Dancing With the Stars” will also be announced during the show.
“Mad Love” (8:30 p.m., CBS). Good lord, last week’s episode was so terrible that I need to go on an immediate break from this show. I’ll check back later, but if the very funny Sarah Chalke is going to be wasted as a straightman, this show is doomed.
“Bethenny Ever After” (10 p.m., Bravo). Season premiere. I have no idea who Bethenny is, and I kinda resent that fact that I’ve been subjected to enough commercials for her show that I feel like I should know who she is.
“Fashion Police” (10 p.m., E). Joan Rivers, Kelly Osbourne and the other mean girls critique last night’s Oscar fashions.