“How I Met Your Mother” (8 p.m., CBS). The gang goes to Minnesota for Marshall’s dad’s funeral. It’s not all sad though — they also meet Marshall’s childhood bully.
“Jersey Shore” (9 p.m., MTV). Oooh, a special night! Tonight, Sammi tries to make peace with the girls (I’m thinking that does not go well) and Snooki gets arrested for public intoxication.
“Skins” (10 p.m., MTV). Series premiere. The American version of the controversial British teen drama. Think “Gossip Girl” on Ecstasy — tons of teenage sex, drugs and swearing. It has the potential to be truly awful, but the British version is a lot of trashy fun and super addictive, so I think it’s at least worth a look. Oh, and the conservative Parents Television Council has declared it “the most dangerous show for children that we have ever seen.” Wow, with a recommendation like that, now I have to watch.
“Chuck” (8 p.m., NBC). Finally back with a new episode. Tonight, Sarah goes brunette and dresses in a leather catsuit, and Jeffster sing a Whitesnake song. (Who cares about plot? I give you the important highlights.)
“The Cape” (9 p.m., NBC). Vince protects his new circus friends from one of Max’s old friends, while the bad guys try to figure out Orwell’s identity. I’m willing to give this show another shot, but it really needs to improve noticeably — and soon — to make me a regular viewer. (Assuming it can avoid getting canceled.)
“Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives” (9 p.m., Food Network). Guy’s home in Santa Rosa, going to the volunteer-run Worth Our Weight for brunch.
“The Bachelor” (8 p.m., ABC). The NASCAR widow reveals her tragic past, and one bachelorette decides to go home. Yawn.
“Being Human” (10 p.m., Syfy). Series premiere. The American version of a fantastic British series about a vampire, a werewolf and a ghost who share a house. The British version is much better than it sounds. But this version looks just as stupid as it sounds.
“Harry’s Law” (10 p.m., NBC). Series premiere. David E. Kelley is back with another quirky legal drama. This one looks like nothing you haven’t seen before, assuming you’ve seen at least one other by-the-numbers lawyer show. Kathy Bates stars as a grumpy, maverick attorney who works out of a shoe store.