The World Cup kicks off tomorrow in South Africa, and ESPN is all over it — and finally treating the world’s greatest sporting event seriously, spending more than $100 million to give viewers more than 230 hours of original live broadcasting over the next month. So where to start? I’ll answer 10 of the most burning questions to (hopefully) enhance your viewing.
1. Hi, I’m a North Korean defector and a huge Jong Tae-se fan. Will I be able to watch my home team play, or are the American imperialist networks only going to show the U.S. team?
You’re in luck, comrade. All 64 games will be broadcast live in HD — 44 on ESPN and 10 each on ABC and ESPN2. And unlike years past, the ESPN announcers will actually be there at the games, not broadcasting from a studio in Connecticut. Univision and Telefutura will air Spanish-language broadcasts of every game, and ESPN Deportes will even offer Portuguese-language broadcasts.
2. OK, so what time do the games start?
Bright and early. First-round games will start at 4:30 a.m., 7 a.m. and 11:30 a.m. Pacific time.
3. Dude, I have to work. How am I going to watch those?
If you don’t want to eat up your DVR space, ESPN Classic will re-air all of the day’s games every night. And on certain nights, ESPN or ESPN2 will air the best game of the day.
4. What if I want to goof off at work during the morning?
You can be an unproductive worker and watch the games streamed live online at ESPN3.com (that’s the newly rebranded ESPN 360). They’ll be free if your ISP is affiliated with ESPN (Comcast and AT&T both are). ESPN3.com will carry 54 games — only the 10 aired live on ABC won’t be. There’ll also be games on UnivisionFutbol.com and wireless devices, if your phone gets ESPN Mobile TV.
5. Will we have to listen to the same lame announcers?
No, and that’s perhaps the best news for viewers. No more idiocy from the clueless Dave O’Brien. ESPN is giving us real announcers — British ones. It’s a win-win situation: Not only do they know their stuff, they also have cool accents. Legendary play-by-play man Martin Tyler leads the pack — he’s basically the Al Michaels of soccer, and video game players will recognize him as the voice of EA Sports’ FIFA soccer games. Also doing play-by-play will be British veteran announcers Adrian Healey, Derek Rae and Ian Darke. John Harke will be the sole American voice in the broadcast booth, and will work the U.S. games. He’ll be an analyst along with Englishmen Robbie Musto and Efan Ekoku and Scotsman Ally McCoist.
6. But I like listening to that ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!’ guy.
Tough luck — Andres Cantor won’t be on ESPN or Univision, but you can catch him on Spanish-language radio broadcasts. Personally, I prefer the understated and snarky Brits. Cantor’s schtick gets old fast; he’s like the Dick Vitale of soccer.
7. So none of the usual ESPN idiots?
Well, not exactly. Alexi Lalas will be a studio analyst, but his babbling should be counterbalanced by the capable Mike Tirico, Bob Ley and Chris Fowler. But Chris Berman and Stuart Scott will be a continent away.
7. Sounds cool, when’s it all start?
It’s already started. ESPN started a 24-hour “Countdown to Kickoff” at 6 a.m. today. The opening match is 7 a.m. Friday (ESPN), with Mexico taking on South Africa from Johannesburg. The first U.S. game is at 11:30 a.m. Saturday against England (ABC). The finals are Sunday, July 11 at 11:30 a.m. on ABC.
8. I’m a bandwagon-jumper. What are the best first-round games to see?
Here’s a few to keep your eye on: Argentina vs. Nigeria (7 a.m. Saturday, ESPN), Netherlands vs. Denmark (4:30 a.m. Monday, ESPN), Ivory Coast vs. Portugal (7 a.m. Tuesday, ESPN), France vs. Mexico (11:30 a.m. Thursday, ESPN2), Slovenia vs. USA (7 a.m. Friday, ESPN), Brazil vs. Ivory Coast (11:30 a.m. June 20, ABC), USA vs. Algeria (7 a.m. June 23, ESPN), Cameroon vs. Netherlands (11:30 a.m. June 24, ESPN2), Portugal vs. Brazil (7 a.m. June 25, ESPN) and Spain vs. Chile (11:30 a.m. June 25, ESPN).
9. Hey, what’s that weird humming? Is my TV broken?
You wish. That annoying drone is from the vuvuzelas in the stands. They’re plastic horns that emit one horrible note, and the South African fans play them incessantly. Imagine your neighbor running a power saw for hours on end until the noise just becomes a semi-permanent part of your brain — that’s what it’s like. By the end of this, you’ll hate them more than Thunder Stix.
10. I don’t care about the games, but I love multinational shoe companies, I have a short attention span and would like the World Cup experience summed up in about three minutes of pure awesomeness. Got anything for me?
Sigh. Yeah. Here:
