Warning, nothing but spoilers ahead.

Surprise: Jacob's not all good. (ABC photo)

Ugh.

That’s pretty much all I can say about “Across the Sea.” I’m putting it down as one of the most disappointing episodes of “Lost” ever, right up there with Nikki & Paolo and Jack’s Thai beach adventure. It might have been a decent episode at the beginning of the season, but as the second-to-last episode of the series, it was incredibly frustrating. It totally interrupted the buildup to the finale, as all the action of the past few weeks screeched to a halt and we got jerked 180 degrees at the worst possible moment. Dude, they FREAKIN KILLED four main characters just last week! The aftermath of that was what I wanted to see, not a drawn-out flashback to ancient times that really didn’t explain much.

To its credit, “Lost” has delivered a unique “show, don’t tell” storytelling style over the past six seasons, but last night went in an entirely different direction, giving us a vague biblical allegory that didn’t really fit with anything we’d seen before. The dialogue between the brothers was super cheesy (especially as kids), and every bit of info that we got (some of it pretty heavy-handed exposition) was accompanied by a dozen more questions, that, in true “Lost” style, the characters never asked. And in the end, it all came down to a light in a cave. Sigh. That’s right, a light in a cave. Anyone remember their Plato? (If not, go here.) Let me just say now that if the true meaning behind “Lost” is a simple lesson from Philosophy 101, I’m gonna be upset.

And I’ve gotta say, I hated the explanation for “Adam & Eve” in the cave.  Seemed kinda cheap. And back in Season 1, didn’t Jack say the skeletons had been there for like 50 years? Ummmm, yeah. Or maybe 2,500 years. Maybe that’s why Jack’s a surgeon and not a coroner.

So, the biggest questions I still have after last night:

— What is the Smoke Monster?

— Why can’t the Man in Black/Smokey leave the island? (This seems kinda key.)

— Why could the Man in Black see dead people? How is he special?

— How does the donkey wheel work, and who actually installed it? (Since the villagers were all killed before they could hook it up.)

— And what was President Bartlett’s press secretary doing on the island?

And one crazy theory for ya: The Mother was a Smoke Monster. That’s how she knew what was inside the cave and how horrible it was. It’s also how she massacred the villagers and filled up the hole, which had all the fingerprints of Smokey. And what’s a fate worse than death? How about eternal life? She seemed to welcome her death when it finally came, kinda like Jacob when Ben stabbed him. Plus, that looked like the same knife Ben used and Sayid was given to kill UnLocke. And like Sayid was told but failed to to, MiB stabbed her before she had a chance to speak. Hmmmmmmm.

What’d you think? Did you kick your TV when it was done? What’s your explanation for the Smoke Monster? And do you think we’ll get even one satisfactory answer to the million remaining questions?