“G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra” will be unleashed on theater-goers Friday in yet another attempt to kill all traces of nostalgia for my youth. “G.I Joe” was part of the regular afternoon cartoon lineup when I was a kid, delivering its message of militarism and practical safety tips (“Don’t hide in a fridge”; “Now I know, and knowing is half the battle!”). And it got me thinking about the afternoon cartoons of the ’80s, the last great age before the genre got completely taken over by toy tie-ins. Here’s a look at my favorites from back in the day.
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10. “Battle of the Planets”
I don’t remember a whole lot about this show, other than I loved it in first grade. I have vague memories of the G-Force team dressed in bird-like outfits flying the Phoenix, a big jet that turned into flames. A friend of mine rented the first-season DVD a few years ago and later warned me to let the show remain a memory; apparently it doesn’t hold up very well over time. After watching the intro above, I have to agree.
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9. “Wacky Races”
This one was actually the topic of a late-night newsroom discussion recently. (Yeah, we have serious intellectual discussions after deadline.) This was the show that introduced a generation to the anti-hero. So Tony Soprano and Vic Mackey can thank Dick Dastardly and his dog Mutley for showing that bad guys can be fun to watch. In the tradition of “The Great Race” and “Cannonball Run,” the show had a huge cast of characters, including the Slag Brothers, Gruesome Twosome and Penelope Pitstop. I was also a fan of the spinoff show, “Dastardly and Mutley in Their Flying Machines” (otherwise known as “Catch the Pigeon”). Mutley, of course, provided one of the all-time great TV laughs. And Peter Perfect’s car? Um, that’s not phallic at all. Nooo.
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8. “Robotech”
This was fairly hard-core anime series that was unique by spanning three generations of plots. That always bummed me out – just as I was getting into liking the characters and storylines, the series would end and pick up like 20 years later. But it had cool weapons, fighter jets and great, violent battle scenes with good guys fighting in giant robot exo-skeletons.
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7. “Heathcliff & the Catillac Cats”
Heathcliff was boring, but the Catillac Cats were pretty cool. There was Riff-Raff, the tiny but tough alley cat who lived in a junkyard; Hector, the second-in-command who I never quite trusted; Wordsworth, the roller-skating, Walkman-listening cat who spoke in rhymes; and Mungo, the big dumb lug. And I can’t forget to mention the lovely Cleo, Riff-Raff’s girlfriend with leg warmers and big ’80s hair, who was super hot. Um, for a cartoon cat, at least.
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6. “Super Friends”
A horrible, awful show that I watched way too much even though I knew it was awful. There were a few incarnations of the group, with Superman, Batman & Robin, Wonder Woman and Aquaman at the core. And they were horribly boring (Aquaman may be the single most useless superhero ever, though Wonder Woman and her Lasso of Truth come close). I only liked it when they expanded to include the cool Justice League heroes, like Green Lantern, Flash and Hawkman. Don’t even get me started on the Wonder Twins. (“Form of . . . an ice bucket!” “Shape of . . . an ostrich!” Just exceedingly lame.)
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5. “Star Blazers”
Ahhh, the adventures of the battleship-turned-spaceship Yamoto (renamed Argo for American audiences) and its quests to save Earth from galactic threats. Almost like an animated “Battlestar Galactica.” I remember amazing space battles that had me mesmerized. This was my first big foray into Japanese anime, and the storylines were pretty hard-core, considering it was aimed at kids. I remember crying when characters died. It was intense. I think I’m still scarred emotionally.
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4. “Scooby Doo”
It’s a predictable pick, but I couldn’t not include it. I watched it far too much. The giant hound, his pothead buddy, the ascot-wearing pretty-boy leader, the nerdy girl with the turtleneck and the vapid beauty – who always seemed to be posing for an imaginary photo – were as much an afternoon staple as homework. Besides, the original Scooby Gang introduced me to such entertainment legends as Mama Cass, Don Knotts and Phyllis Diller.
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3. “Inspector Gadget”
When my family got our first color TV, the first show I watched was “Inspector Gadget.” It was a huge moment. The show was sort of a mix of “Get Smart,” James Bond and Inspector Clouseau, and I loved every minute of it. Gadget would bumble his way through danger, always saved by his amazing gizmos and the smarts of his niece. I wonder what ever happened to Penny; she was quite a crime-fighter and the brains of the operation (even more than Brain, the coolest dog ever). Dr. Claw was probably the best cartoon villain ever, along with M.A.D. Cat. The big question I always had: Was Inspector Gadget in some kind of horrible, disfiguring accident that he needed all those bionics and artificial limbs? The guy was more machine than man. No wonder he was so ditzy and absent-minded – he was probably juiced out of his mind on pain meds.
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2. “G.I. Joe”
High-tech military gear, lasers and ninjas. What more could a kid ask for? I loved the weaponry – the hovercrafts, the mini-tanks, the crazy-looking fighter planes and the pretty, pretty explosions they made. Plus, it taught me that an ultra-violent war with close-range combat and furious midair dogfights could be completely bloodless, thanks to quick reflexes, poor aim, superior leaping ability and reliable parachutes. I didn’t care it was a half-hour commercial for toys; besides, my parents were mean and never bought me any of the cool jets or dune buggies or aircraft carriers; nothing bigger than action figures. Sigh.
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1. “Duck Tales”
(Woo-ooo!) For my money, the best kids cartoon since Looney Tunes. The exploits of Scrooge McDuck and his nephews Huey, Dewey and Louie were consistently entertaining and had beautiful animation. A lot of the early episodes were based on the old Carl Barks comic books that filled our garage, and had surprisingly strong storylines and writing. It was one of those rare shows that was silly enough for kids to enjoy, yet witty enough for adults (or, ahem, teenagers) to like too. The first season was the best, before it got watered down with too many lame characters (Bubba the Caveduck and Fenton/Gizmo Duck). Great villains too, with Magica de Spell and the Beagle Boys. Twenty-plus years later, I still know the words to the theme song. What does that tell you? (On second thought, I don’t want to know.)
